Anxcited for Canada

anxcited

Anxious and excited

11.49pm, yet another night tossing and turning, unable to switch off.

It’s now just over a month until D-day when the Canadian adventure begins.

Am I ready? No.

My housemate (Mike) is staying for at least 6 months whilst I’m away. He introduced me to his friend, Sam, a couple of weeks ago as a potential additional tenant. <Thumbs up> a decent lad. Given that Mike has been great the last 9 months, I trust the boys will look after the property for me. My plants however, well, we’ll see! #cactussos.

Becoming a landlord requires a lot of effort, red tape and research. I’ve obtained a tenancy agreement, had the electrics tested and upgraded, a gas safety engineer confirm the property isn’t likely to kill anyone (and unintentionally show me his builders bum), spruced up the paintwork and written to all the relevant bill providers to tell them; “I’m off…tally ho.”

I still need to sort out landlord insurance, renew my mortgage and get consent to let, pack up the remainder of my belongings and leave my job. (Amongst a long list of other to-dos which will be ticked off in order of the amount of anxiety they cause/importance.)

Time. I don’t yet feel like I’ve properly thought about leaving this life here, my friends, family, cat and career. All things I know my emotions will hit me with when I get on that plane. It’s hard to even open my soul to those feelings right now, I’m going and I know it’s a chance and a choice I won’t regret.

This year and last has felt a lot like mental mountaineering, climbing against all weathers of emotions trying to see and take the optimum route. At times, the chosen route has been what’s easiest in the moment but detrimental in the long term. Sliding back down away from all the progressive steps taken, defeated, unsure if I can continue the climb to where I was, let alone any place past it.

When I go to Whistler, I will physically be facing real mountains, ready to be climbed, summits within reach. Mentally, I am determined for my mind to be present with my body when I get there. Here’s to hoping and continuing those steps forward.

Let’s tip the balance of anxiousness to excitement and hope I can now get a good nights rest.

Love SER x

Cold Feet

I couldn’t sleep last night. My mind was racing, fear and anxiety coursing through my veins. So many thoughts and feelings about whether moving to Canada is a good idea? It’s surprising how the brain can get so wrapped up in emotions and change the way you feel about something whether temporarily or permanently.

Tossing, turning, tired,  too hot, uncomfortable, unable to escape my anxious mind. Flooded with negative thoughts at a million miles per hour, unable to focus or concentrate on any one thing long enough to settle because so many other thoughts are pushing for their turn to perpetuate the worry.

A snapshot;

– How are you going to manage the massive change Canada brings? Normality and structure of what you know, GONE. No job, no house, no friends, no family, no sidekick cat.

– Where are you going to live? What if you can’t find anywhere to live in Whistler because of the housing crisis?

– Will you have enough money to survive? How much are you going to take? How much is enough and how much is too much?

– When are you going to sort out renewing your mortgage, will the mortgagor give you consent to let whilst you’re away? What if they wont’? What if i leave my house to tenants who don’t care about it, what if it gets broken into whilst i’m away or burnt down?

– When are you going to sell your car? Will you get enough money for it to get by when you head to Canada, what are you going to do if not?

– What if you come across a bear when you’re there, you have no idea how these creatures behave, what if you startle it of make it feel threatened and it attacks, what if your adventure is all just one massive mistake….

– You get the picture.

Eventually, i fell asleep, my cat purring, content, by my side, oblivious to my self destruction.

This morning, I’ve woken up with a fresh head and fresh outlook. The thoughts and fears i had last night have dissipated. When i review what i was worried about, instead of getting sucked back in, i am able to unravel myself, taking a birds eye view of the issues. What i realise is that most of my concerns are within my control, matters which have solutions i can prepare for. Some of them become out of my control (whether i’ll meet a bear or not and the chance of it actually attacking when i know they are generally timid by nature), risks which the anxiety feeds off of the initial thoughts.

I find the excitement of the unknown again, the reasons which have drawn me to Canada; the beautiful places, people, the skiing, the big outdoors, the escape from my day to day life as i know it, taking chances, living and overcoming the anxiety.

When i am able to ride out my anxiety, sleep it off or hold on to the belief that this will be a change for the better, my cold feet feel much warmer. I do not doubt these feelings will return, to challenge me over the course of my time left in the UK and even when i arrive in Canada but what i do know is this;

“the brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all.”

Thanks for reading.

Love you,

SER x