Cold Feet

I couldn’t sleep last night. My mind was racing, fear and anxiety coursing through my veins. So many thoughts and feelings about whether moving to Canada is a good idea? It’s surprising how the brain can get so wrapped up in emotions and change the way you feel about something whether temporarily or permanently.

Tossing, turning, tired,  too hot, uncomfortable, unable to escape my anxious mind. Flooded with negative thoughts at a million miles per hour, unable to focus or concentrate on any one thing long enough to settle because so many other thoughts are pushing for their turn to perpetuate the worry.

A snapshot;

– How are you going to manage the massive change Canada brings? Normality and structure of what you know, GONE. No job, no house, no friends, no family, no sidekick cat.

– Where are you going to live? What if you can’t find anywhere to live in Whistler because of the housing crisis?

– Will you have enough money to survive? How much are you going to take? How much is enough and how much is too much?

– When are you going to sort out renewing your mortgage, will the mortgagor give you consent to let whilst you’re away? What if they wont’? What if i leave my house to tenants who don’t care about it, what if it gets broken into whilst i’m away or burnt down?

– When are you going to sell your car? Will you get enough money for it to get by when you head to Canada, what are you going to do if not?

– What if you come across a bear when you’re there, you have no idea how these creatures behave, what if you startle it of make it feel threatened and it attacks, what if your adventure is all just one massive mistake….

– You get the picture.

Eventually, i fell asleep, my cat purring, content, by my side, oblivious to my self destruction.

This morning, I’ve woken up with a fresh head and fresh outlook. The thoughts and fears i had last night have dissipated. When i review what i was worried about, instead of getting sucked back in, i am able to unravel myself, taking a birds eye view of the issues. What i realise is that most of my concerns are within my control, matters which have solutions i can prepare for. Some of them become out of my control (whether i’ll meet a bear or not and the chance of it actually attacking when i know they are generally timid by nature), risks which the anxiety feeds off of the initial thoughts.

I find the excitement of the unknown again, the reasons which have drawn me to Canada; the beautiful places, people, the skiing, the big outdoors, the escape from my day to day life as i know it, taking chances, living and overcoming the anxiety.

When i am able to ride out my anxiety, sleep it off or hold on to the belief that this will be a change for the better, my cold feet feel much warmer. I do not doubt these feelings will return, to challenge me over the course of my time left in the UK and even when i arrive in Canada but what i do know is this;

“the brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all.”

Thanks for reading.

Love you,